Umbrageous
by nodoubtwywh
Summary: This is one part quick fic - JessieKatie - so it's quicker to read it than to read a summary :)


Fic: Umbrageous (1/1)

Author: nodoubtwywh

Disclaimer: None of the characters of Once and Again belong to me. But if they were on ebay - watch out!

Summary: It's only a one part short fic and i suck at summaries anyway...

Feedback: Yes, please! This is a one parter. So don't worry, it's not another fic I'm starting and forgetting about - like boarding school lol. And I don't claim that is either long enough or good...so with that warning...here ya go. lol

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"Wha...I just," Katie stammered as her breath got harder to control. It felt like time had stopped moving just to make sure she would suffocate from this feeling coming over her. She thought maybe if she didn't say anything for a few minutes she could regain her composure and make sense of what was happening to her. But the longer she didn't say anything the more she felt like she was suffocating. 

Two crystal clear blue eyes stared hard at the floor; unwilling to look up at the person in front of them.

"Jess," Katie tried again struggling for the words that would end this nightmare. "I...don't - get" Tears were streaming down Katie's face, and her words were said in between gasps of breath. She didn't have to finish what she was saying for Jessie to understand.

"I'm sorry," Jessie said still starting at the hard attic floor. It made Katie feel even worse that Jessie couldn't even look her in the eye.

"OK - you, you're, s-sorry"

Katie tried to get control over her breathing again. She wouldn't be able to say anything if she kept hyperventilating. After a long silence and more deep breaths, it seemed she could at least talk through her tears.

"I've always understood you. At least I thought I have. Except this. THIS I DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Katie screamed the last sentence. She'd never raised her voice before with Jessie. Ever. But it felt as if someone had just found a hammer and thrown right through her heart. "Why! (hiccup) Why don't you say anything? ANYTHING? Help me to understand something. Anything!"

Jessie started to speak but then she stopped.

"It's just what I told you" She finally managed to say. Except that it was said at such a low whisper that even she had hard time hearing herself.

Katie hated hearing Jessie speak softly and not look at her. In fact it just made her more angry. Jessie was showing no emotion and not explaining herself at all. It was like she didn't even care. This was just some chore she had to get on with and finish.

Katie had been pacing during this time. Not being able to sit still. Finally, she walked over to Jessie's bed, sat down next to her and stared hard at the side of her face. Jessie was still staring at the ground.

"You can't even look me in the eye! Why don't you look me in the eye, and tell me REALLY what the hell is going on with you!"

Katie grabbed Jessie's chin and turned the younger girl's face towards her. She cupped both of her hands around Jessie's face leaving her eyes no where to look other than the ones in front of her.

"I love you." Katie choked out between sobs. "I've never loved anyone or anything as much as I love you. Don't you know how hard that is for me? Don't you understand what that means? Nothing in my life makes sense. It's one big blur of people and days. The only thing in it that has any sort of meaning or gives me any pure and real joy has been being with you. You're my best friend, and I've trusted you more than I trust myself. The future scares me more that I can admit, but I've always been comforted because I thought we'd be there to help each other through it……... My whole life I've just been going through the motions. This is the first time in my life that I've felt something. Something I thought was real. The first time that when I've smiled, it really meant that I was happy."

Jessie had started crying the second Katie started talking. But her tears were as silent as her mouth. She had explained to Katie that they couldn't be together anymore. That they couldn't be around each other anymore. That she needed to be alone. That was all she could say.

"Damn it, Jess! SAY SOMETHING!" Katie said finally letting go of Jessie's face. Why the hell had she clammed up like this? Katie stood up and walked to the window. What nerve the sun had to be shining so brightly on the very day her world was ending! Katie turned away in disgust and looked back at the small blonde now sitting Indian style on her bed.

She sat down on the bed again, this time in front of Jessie, imitating the same Indian style.

Very slowly Katie finally asked, "What did Hiccup I do to Hiccup make you Hiccup stop Hiccup lo-oving me?"

Jessie couldn't remain silent and cold. She'd been trying with every little bit of strength she had to remain cool and calm. She knew it would be nearly impossible, and she was right. Katie had finally said the words that Jessie couldn't ignore. Jessie's heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces from just one pathetic sentence.

Jessie looked up with tears in her eyes and managed to look at Katie.

"Listen to me." Jessie said forcefully. A voice that contradicted the way she looked. "You. Did. Nothing." Jessie knew she had to say more, but she couldn't. She couldn't say that she still loved Katie because then Katie would really never understand. But the last thing she wanted was Katie to think she had done something wrong. "This is my issue. Not yours."

Katie just lost it. Another fucking vague answer! Jessie couldn't even tell her what was really wrong with her! She jumped up from the bed and started screaming at Jessie.

"SURE! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN TO MAKE YOU WANT TO JUST END ALL CONTACT WITH ME? YOU CAN'T EVEN BE STRAIGHT WITH ME. WE'VE NEVER FOUGHT BEFORE. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE WE ALWAYS EXPLAIN OURSELVES AND TALK THINGS OUT. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE AFRAID OF TELLING ME WHAT YOU'RE REALLY THINKING. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? AFRAID THAT MAYBE WE'LL BE ABLE TO WORK IT OUT?"

"WE WON'T!" Jessie yelled back lamely.

Awkward silence followed the screaming match as both girls tried to regain their breath in between sobs.

"We won't?" Katie asked in the saddest voice ever heard. She walked further away from the bed and leaned against the wall. "How do you know we won't? And if you're so sure why don't you just explain to me what you're really thinking?"

"IT WON'T WORK!" Jessie yelled still not managing to get control of her emotions. She quickly got off of her bed and stood right in front of Katie. "I'M NOT LIKE YOU. DON'T YOU GET IT? IT'S MY ISSUE - NOT YOURS. I CAN'T HANDLE BEING DIFFERENT. I DON'T WANT TO BE DIFFERENT. I'M NOT BRAVE, I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH. I CAN'T STAND UP TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD. I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. AND WITH YOU I CAN'T BE. EVERYTHING HAS TO BE DIFFICULT. LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH ALREADY." Jessie stopped as the violent sobs she'd been holding in finally came out.

Katie just stared dumbstruck by what Jessie said.

"I'm -- sorry" Jessie managed as Katie's tear filled emerald eyes just stared at her. Now it was Jessie's turn to try and talk while keeping control of her breathing. "I don't want to hurt you. I know it's selfish and cowardice. But I can't help it. It scares me how I feel when I'm with you. But I'm sorry I'm just not strong enough to be with you. I don't want to be a freak. Or different. Or wrong. I just want to be...normal."

"NORMAL?" Katie fired back more hurt than angry. "NORMAL? You mean PERFECT don't you?" Katie's pain had taken over her mouth, and she didn't hold back. "You're afraid to be with me because then you wouldn't be perfect. I'd be like a fucking black ink spot on your goddamn perfect record. You're so scared to screw up that you're not even taking chances anymore. That's a fucked up way to live your life Jessie and I don't get it. "

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" Jessie yelled. "First I don't say anything and then you get mad. Then I tell you the truth and you tell me it's fucked up. WELL, NO KIDDING. I TOLD YOU IT WAS MY ISSUE - NOT YOURS. I'M NOT TRYING TO BE PERFECT..."

"I told you," Jessie started again slowly and softly. Her tear streaked face looked as pitiful as the voice that was coming from it. "I'm not as brave as you. I just want a normal life. I'm not strong enough to be different. It's too hard." Jessie walked backed to her bed and sat down.

"I'm ashamed." She said softly before she buried her crying face in into the pillow she was hugging to her chest.

Loud thunder rumbled and rain started falling hard onto the attic roof.

It's just like my life Katie thought to herself bitterly as she walked downstairs and out the door into the rain. Something bright and beautiful suddenly turning dark and miserable


End file.
